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Grieving my old sel...
 

Grieving my old self  

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LK
 LK
(@dlkfiretruck)
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Joined: 2 years ago
Posts: 560
July 3, 2019 12:16 pm  

Dear Liza,  You sweet young lady...I am going to agree with you on your reasons for acceptance and healing and grief. I can not imagine being dumped into this situation so suddenly and being expected and told to accept it! Not to mention be grateful for it, especially when your awakened in the middle of the night with output all over you. In my books You have every right to feel the way you do and to be confused and even lost in this new normal. I am refusing to add to the grief forum simply because, tho I fail now, I am still figuring out the edit thing (sorry Eric) I likely will not shut up for two days but also because my grief was more about the impending death if my main support and cheerleader. Knowing I was facing this ostomy world without him, was too painful to even say out loud. It came to light in my shower my 1st week at home. Basking in tears and my deep pity party for those fabulous 8 min. (Water got cold)was, when he, climbed in clothes and all, and held me tightly and lovingly under the running water the very moment I had become too paralized with fear to even let the words tumble from my lips and heart, was non less more then amazing to me. This is raw, and I have never spoken of it till now.  I was deeply agonized by what my future held when l had already figured out that I would likely be the one to die 1st and realized... I would not, simply put and edited...I could not bear it. The one thing I "DO NOT want is to minimize someone's grief in what they are experiencing" because mine was so entwined with his death. Grief is a huge step from sudden or pending change into the world of acceptance and being able to move forward boldly where some with ostomies have gone before. The fact that you can put your ducks in a row and still manage to try and go to work is amazing to me. My wound, open for well over a year, displacing my belly button and God knows I liked my BB just exactly where it was in the 1st place. Yes, I mourned that too!

This life has to be nothing but almost tragic to you young whipper snappers that are  forced into it.  Suddenly living with a poo bag hanging off you body. Clothes you like no longer fit or hide the demon bulge even tho slight, most of the time, to having the benefit of a built in whoopie cushion sounding off with bad attitude and unpredictably any time it darn well fecies, I mean fancies, often embarrassing the toollies out of you day and night! It is to most, a deeply unacceptable unpalatable unfathomable experience.

Those of us with the illness first may have a different gratitude experience, gained thru disease and sometimes publicly crapping our pants, but it is no less deserving of the grief we and you experience. I believe that it is harsher for you, on the "sudden" end of it being told to basically suck it up and be grateful because it was "life saving" an here, have unasked for favor whether you like it or not, dumped in your lap. Your situation is no less deserving of the appreciation bundle, but so very much more shocking and hard to deal with. Basically you should feel this way, and I mean that kindly.  You may get to go forward with inconvieniece of the ostomy, and the way I see it, still "get" to go to work, 

This is not by any means a suck it up chat, but a great big hug and me saying, I totally get it kid!!! I would at this point prescribe a slightly longer hot shower and pitty party with your man fully clothed and holding you while you bawl your eyes out. I admit that for me, I would have to toss in the angry word in if I were in your shoes! This should be a somewhat offensive situation for you to be in and I completely and lovingly understand 200% of the way. 

The thing is, you really are managing fabulously thru it and when you reached out and found us we also became your cheering squad for life. I believe this is exactly what Eric intended in his genius of making this site for ALL!  It has to be some what of turbulent flight for anyone dropped into this bag of life, but Liza, we are here, we get it, your safe, and you have landed.  Pour out your heart and questions, we GET it babe! You are going where no man healthy men/woman have ever wanted to go, but, we are with you on this path and I have no doubt that I can speak for all, we are glad to be your pilot. Time and healing for everyone is different and what I would have given to benefit from these wonderful ostimates that went before me, when I was the newby...well, money could not buy what I have gained  in insight and support here. Hang in there Liza, your figuring it all out and thats a great thing. Considering I waited 8 years to seek some answers, your way ahead of me! We will beam in anytime you need us.

Yes Liza, this disappeared 3 x's  while you read it...Pjoke sorry folks. Trekky reference in remenberence to my pillar of a man. 10 yrs this August.  

Linda


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SqueakyandLiza
(@squeakyandliza)
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Joined: 4 months ago
Posts: 171
July 3, 2019 6:21 pm  
Posted by: LK

 It came to light in my shower my 1st week at home. Basking in tears and my deep pity party for those fabulous 8 min. (Water got cold)was, when he, climbed in clothes and all, and held me tightly and lovingly under the running water the very moment I had become too paralized with fear to even let the words tumble from my lips and heart, was non less more then amazing to me. 

 

 

Linda, this was so beautiful and sad.  My heart breaks for you losing your husband like that.  I don't know what I would do.  I can't even let myself imagine it.

I've been doing a lot of self evaluation over the last 24 hours or so after reading all your responses.  I think, for the most part, my grieving for the actual surgery and loss of my colon is done.  Now I am just wading through the "after-shocks", and those are what are getting to me now.  The little things that are a direct result of the surgery, but not the surgery itself.   Having a negative performance review at work, and being forced to come back to work at the office.  Then yesterday, I found out I wasn't considered for another position at my company that I was qualified for, as a result of my being out so long, even though I am back now.  So now things like that make me sad, but I don't think it is exactly the same as the initial shock and grief I had.

Thanks to all your support, I am working on looking at things more positively.  I have a song on my phone that I listen to on my way to work that totally gets my mentally prepared and  psyched up for the day.  @john68, as much as I love "9 to 5", this one really inspires me...

And my final change is that I am fully embracing Squeaky as part of my life.  I talk to him now, and I know it sounds silly, but I imagine what he would be saying too.  He wants to post a message on here, but I told him this site is for people, not stomas.  But I might let him have his own facebook page, if I feel inspired over the long weekend.  Tomorrow is a holiday, and my boss gave my group all Friday off too because we have been working so hard.


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sjlovestosing
(@sjlovestosing)
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Joined: 1 year ago
Posts: 276
July 3, 2019 8:33 pm  

Liza,

You are going to make it after all!

Stella


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SqueakyandLiza
(@squeakyandliza)
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Joined: 4 months ago
Posts: 171
July 3, 2019 10:39 pm  

Stella,

when I listen to this song, I feel like I am!  🙂


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